I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. 

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 

My kid had sex with your honor student. 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 

God must love stupid people, he made so many. 

The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes. 

I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 

Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles. 

 Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.

 If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

 WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

 Hang up and drive.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

 Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

 The proctologist called, they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

 Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

So many men, so few who can afford me.

God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some things are just better rich!

Don't treat me any differently than you would a queen.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.